Showing posts with label Self-esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-esteem. Show all posts

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Will I ever be happy with my weight?

Firstly, the weigh-in. I last reported I was at 76 kg (167.55 lb) but the next day I was back to 77.8 kg (171.52 lb) where I stayed all week! I was that frustrated I returned to Alternate Day Fasting three days this week yet the weight didn't budge. I remained 77.8 kg all week long. Until this morning. Now I'm 75.7 kg (166.89 lb) and coming off a fast day I'm almost afraid to eat today. It's so frustrating when everything that's worked before doesn't seem to work anymore. So many women talk about that same thing happening once they are in their 50s. I'm starting to think my body just wants to stay in the 165 lbs range and I'm never getting back to my low weight of 158 just before my trip home, much less my goal of 150. My husband thinks I should stop obsessing over reaching my goal and just be happy where I am. He's not alone.

At my Halloween Party this year, at least three people said I was skinny now. I often hear I look great or so thin now and shouldn't worry about losing more weight. I am so not thin. I've talked about this before -- part of me thinks people are used to fat being normal, so because I am no longer morbidly obese and look more like most average people, I am fine and can stop now. But still I struggle and am frustrated because I have not reached my goal. My goal is 150 pounds, which is still overweight for me (I'm just under 5'4") but it's the goal I originally set for myself and I feel like if I give up before I get there, I've failed at yet another weight-loss effort. And truth be told, I'm not happy at this weight.

In saying that -- I recall a post from two years ago where I talked about where my struggles with weight first began. Back in high school I weighed about 165 pounds and I was never happy with that, thus starting a life-long battle with weight, and sending me skyrocketing into morbid obesity.

Now in my 50s I find myself frustrated because I've maintained a weight fluctuating between about 160-170 pounds for eight months now. I said two years ago that I was determined to succeed this time and I knew I wouldn't quit. That's why I keep obsessing about reaching my goal. But am I just reverting to that same high school girl who wasn't happy with herself and her weight at 165 pounds? Should I just be happy that I've lost as much as I have, that I'm no longer morbidly obese, and that I seem to be able to maintain at this weight?  I really struggle with wanting to find some balance between being happy with myself and who I am, and being someone who can achieve her goals. And if I'm happy at this weight, will I relax my efforts to continue losing and possibly regain? Is my whole life going to be about what I weight and what I eat from now on? When is enough enough?

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Put a stop to limiting beliefs

I started learning to run because I never believed it was something I could do; I wanted to stretch my boundaries, face my fears and give it a go. It wasn't easy and I had to start with my own shorter intervals as one minute was too hard back then, but I eventually completed the C25K program. Once I ran at 8.2 kph, but on average my speed was 7.8 kph. When I restarted the program this year I was running 8 kph for the smaller intervals but as I had to run for longer periods I worried I couldn't do it. I didn't believe I would be able to run at 8 kph for 20 minutes or more, so I'd been setting it for 7.6 the last few weeks.

So for my first run since finishing C25K I decided to start at 8 kph and see how long I could go before reducing my speed. I thought just get to 15 minutes ... then it became just till the end of this song. Before I knew it I had five minutes left and thought I might just make it after all. And I did! Why did I doubt myself?

How do you know you can't do something if you don't try? Limiting beliefs can really hold us back. What might we accomplish if we only believed we could? I don't know, but I'm thinking I might just stay at 30 minutes for awhile and try increasing speed by one point each time ... who knows, in a few weeks I could be running at 9 kph! One of my treadmill programs had me doing a few intervals at 9 kph for three minutes, and it was quite challenging. Why can't I work up to that for longer runs? I'm going to find out by giving it my best go. Wish me luck.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Onederland, frustration, triumph, getting noticed, and running ... what's next?

This week I've felt both frustrated and triumphant. Frustrated that the gain from last week held steady ALL week long, not budging at all (whereas I usually start seeing a drop by Thursday) and yet triumphant that I ran for 25 minutes straight ... three times! Seriously, Go Me! Each time it was hard, but I made it. Each time I loudly cheered "you rock!" when I finished. That's really important, because as someone who's not always had the best 'self-talk' I've made a decided effort to change that and be more kind to myself - encouraging, even. More about running in a minute, but let's get my disappointing stats out of the way first thing.

Today I weighed in at 90.7kg (199.96 lb) so I'm back in Onederland but just barely! That's a loss of just 200g from last week, which is just .44 pounds. A loss is a loss ... yada yada yada. I know. I know all that but I feel like I've been stagnant for too long. It's feeling like a plateau which worries me because typically in past weight loss attempts if I'm lucky enough to make it below 200 pounds, that's when I tend to plateau and then start going back up. Hubby reminded me this time is different. The changes I've made in diet and exercise are part of my lifestyle now, and there's no turning back. So the only option is to keep doing what I'm doing, and he's right. But you can understand why I'd worry, I mean look at these stats:

  • 19 April - 92.9 kg (204.81 lb) - down 37.4 kg (82.45 lb)
  • 18 May  - 90.7 kg (199.96 lb) - down 39.6 kg (87.30 lb)

That just doesn't feel like much progress in a month's time, especially when I've been having a pretty high rate of loss from week to week prior to that.  I'm grateful that I've lost as much as I have, I'm not being a spoiled whiney brat, really I'm not. But I've promised to share the good and the bad of losing this weight and this is reality. Sometimes you slow down, sometimes you plateau. It sucks, but you just gotta keep on keeping on, right? So enough dwelling on that, I'm reverting back to Phase 1 completely in the coming week. On the menu this week are:

Last Night I Got Noticed!

Ok so hubby had a party with a few of his mates over last night that I haven't seen in awhile. Two commented to me (privately aside) that I'd lost weight ... like a lot. And I said yes, about 40 kilos! It did feel good cuz as much as the girls at work have noticed guys rarely do (or maybe they do but they've learned not to comment on a woman's weight). One of them had also lost a little weight himself and he mentioned he'd been eating healthier and had started running, so of course I said me too. He's running like 8k so definitely in better shape than me, but he was very impressed with my times and said that 25 minutes is like 4k so that's really good.

Of course now I dread having to attempt 28 minutes tomorrow but at every point in this training when I've had to increase the run time it's felt impossible, yet I've done it. I'm nearly at the end of this training program. So 28 minutes three times this week ... then there's one one day left on the app. A full 30 minutes which it claims is 5k and I just do that whenever I like.  I suppose whether or not it's really 5k depends on how fast one runs, and I'm definitely not fast.  Sports Tracker tells me I'm coming close to 5k right now, but that's including my warm up and cool down, each five minutes walking.

So where do I go from here? My goal in this effort has been to (1) conquer my fears and (2) to just make it through this program. I can't believe I'm nearly there. So then what? I can't say I love running. I actually kind of hate it while I'm doing it - but when I finish I feel amazing that I actually did it! So I guess I just see how it goes. Seems a shame to have built up my endurance to actually run 30 minutes and then stop and lose it all. Maybe I have to actually run regularly before I will know whether it's something I love or not. And if not ... what next? My home workouts don't require the same level of intensity. Maybe I mix it up. Run some, and add other forms of exercise as well. Who knows yet. It doesn't help that it's getting colder and darker earlier every night.

Anyway, that's where I am at the end of this week -- hoping for a better week ahead and really hoping to stay in Onederland from here on.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Which came first, the low self-esteem or the weight?

When I was in high school I had no confidence in myself. I weighed about 165 pounds and felt so fat that no one would want to date me. So I began a thirty-year-plus cycle of dieting that resulted in gaining much more over the years. I learned years later after running into a couple of guys from school who were in town to attend a high school reunion that one of them had wanted to date me and the other had a secret crush on me in high school. He'd even left a love message in my yearbook and I'd never known it was him. Turns out I was the one letting my weight hold me back ... they were fine with it. How I wish I had been.

I've had low self-esteem and feelings of general unworthiness most of my life. I always thought that was because of my weight, and if only I were thin I'd be so happy. I now wonder if I didn't have that backwards. Maybe having low self-esteem and feeling unworthy is what kept me fat all these years? I now know it had a lot to do with what I was eating and I know that food manufacturers and restaurants design their products to make you want to consume more and more of them to raise their profit. But I also think I was stuffing down feelings of unworthiness for many years with comfort foods, just trying to feel better.

I've come a long way since those days, especially in the last decade. I have much stronger spiritual beliefs and greater self-esteem these days. Yes, eating the right foods to control my blood sugar and insulin is making it easy to lose weight because I don't have the cravings to eat badly anymore. But I also feel that I value myself more these days. In recent years, my poor eating habits weren't because I was stuffing down feelings of poor self-worth. It truly was an uncontrollable drive to eat things that at times I didn't even really want! I felt powerless over my hunger, especially when I'd feel ravenous an hour after a 'healthy' meal.  That wasn't low self-esteem making me eat, I was freaking hungry due to the rise and fall of my blood sugar level!

It's taken me a long time to reach this stage in my life, but I like me now. I don't feel the need to find a sense of value and worth from outside me anymore. Maybe if I had found this diet years ago, I wouldn't have been successful. Who knows. I do think you have to be ready to change for any method to work. I was definitely ready this time.  Getting older, being diagnosed as pre-diabetic, and wanting to outlive the family 'curse' are just a few reasons why. No one in my family tends to make it much past 60 on dad's side, and 70 on mom's. So I did my homework, laid out a clear and concise plan, and made the determination that I won't quit, and I know it to be true - no matter what. I feel good about myself. I feel worthy and deserving of a healthy new life, and I'm ready for it. So bring it on! :)