Saturday, November 7, 2015

Will I ever be happy with my weight?

Firstly, the weigh-in. I last reported I was at 76 kg (167.55 lb) but the next day I was back to 77.8 kg (171.52 lb) where I stayed all week! I was that frustrated I returned to Alternate Day Fasting three days this week yet the weight didn't budge. I remained 77.8 kg all week long. Until this morning. Now I'm 75.7 kg (166.89 lb) and coming off a fast day I'm almost afraid to eat today. It's so frustrating when everything that's worked before doesn't seem to work anymore. So many women talk about that same thing happening once they are in their 50s. I'm starting to think my body just wants to stay in the 165 lbs range and I'm never getting back to my low weight of 158 just before my trip home, much less my goal of 150. My husband thinks I should stop obsessing over reaching my goal and just be happy where I am. He's not alone.

At my Halloween Party this year, at least three people said I was skinny now. I often hear I look great or so thin now and shouldn't worry about losing more weight. I am so not thin. I've talked about this before -- part of me thinks people are used to fat being normal, so because I am no longer morbidly obese and look more like most average people, I am fine and can stop now. But still I struggle and am frustrated because I have not reached my goal. My goal is 150 pounds, which is still overweight for me (I'm just under 5'4") but it's the goal I originally set for myself and I feel like if I give up before I get there, I've failed at yet another weight-loss effort. And truth be told, I'm not happy at this weight.

In saying that -- I recall a post from two years ago where I talked about where my struggles with weight first began. Back in high school I weighed about 165 pounds and I was never happy with that, thus starting a life-long battle with weight, and sending me skyrocketing into morbid obesity.

Now in my 50s I find myself frustrated because I've maintained a weight fluctuating between about 160-170 pounds for eight months now. I said two years ago that I was determined to succeed this time and I knew I wouldn't quit. That's why I keep obsessing about reaching my goal. But am I just reverting to that same high school girl who wasn't happy with herself and her weight at 165 pounds? Should I just be happy that I've lost as much as I have, that I'm no longer morbidly obese, and that I seem to be able to maintain at this weight?  I really struggle with wanting to find some balance between being happy with myself and who I am, and being someone who can achieve her goals. And if I'm happy at this weight, will I relax my efforts to continue losing and possibly regain? Is my whole life going to be about what I weight and what I eat from now on? When is enough enough?

9 comments:

  1. I hear you, loud and clear. Body changes, weight plateaus, and for me even some higher glucose readings.

    I can see from your graph, you've reached a plateau and I'm excited for you. Reaching that stable weight is significant, even if it's not exactly what you want. The skills, habits, and wellness in weight maintenance escapes many. So what I see is someone who has mastered those skills for a long time and is very likely to stay weight stable.

    It's an honor and a lot of hard work. I applaud you for listening to your husband, yourself, and other influencers that are positive. If you put your starting weight and several other weights into the MFP App, then look at the "All data" every single day until you embrace it. That's what I do- I'm about 4-5 pounds above my original 3 year stretch, BUT (butt?- OMG, all my 5 pound are there... LOL, JK) I have the same or lower body fat percentage, better sleep, less anxiety, and am probably stronger, too.

    Keep making the effort to make the peace and good things will happen. I applaud you and if you don't adopt old habits, I know you WILL be a long term maintainer. You are ready are, you are ready have been.

    You rock. Don't forget it. :) Karen P. Keep looking at the long term, over time and also look at body and blood work markers. Dr. Berkely. Look at that last paragraph. Those things. http://www.refusetoregain.com/2015/11/the-simple-life-the-simple-body.html

    :)

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    1. Wow, thanks Karen for your kind words, and wonderful advice. It means a lot. I will check out your link, I've been reading some of her posts recently and I think I need to become a regular reader.

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  2. I feel you Anna. My goal was 150 pounds. I know that I'll not get there and I had to accept the fact that the number on the scale is just a number. I'm focused on getting strong. And as you know, I've stopped weighing myself. That way a number no longer defines me:-) You are amazing what you've done here with just your own determination and will power. Every time someone contacts me via email saying they can't do Dr. Poon because of distance, I send them the link to your blog. So incredibly proud of you!!! xx

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    1. Thank you so much, Leigh! As my inspiration to begin this journey, your kind words mean so much. I've thought about ditching the scale and the idea scares me a bit to be honest. It's one of those things I thought I would do once I got to goal. It's so hard to focus on how far I've come when my goal is so close yet just out of reach. But I will try. Thanks again my friend. You truly rock.

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  3. I am with your husband. I think you need to step back a bit and just relax, and enjoy what you have already accomplished. I swear, sometimes we can get so obsessed, that I think the stress of that obsession can keep pounds on. Eat healthy, move healthy, and let the rest go. Don't keep adding more and more fasting days. Just relax, and maybe weigh less often. Be kind to yourself. :)

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    1. That's certainly true of me. I am obsessed and can't imagine not weighing every day ... adding more fasting days is not working but neither is eating more. But you're right ... the stress of not reaching my goal is about the only thing that could make me binge in frustration. It is totally possible to binge on "legal" foods and nuts are my downfall when I get frustrated. Thanks Gwen, much appreciated.

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  4. Please relax ... take a few deep breaths.
    You have done so well ... just keep making healthy choices, the rest can follow.

    All the best Jan

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  5. Hi. I came over from Richard's blog.

    Have you ever considered tossing the scale out the window and just enjoying how much easier you can move, breathe, live, laugh and fit into clothes? That just possibly, the scale is holding you back from living, by keeping you so fixated on a number.

    But yes, I agree with your hubby as well. That said, this is your journey and ultimately, you have to keep going in the way that you feel works best for you.

    Wishing you continued success and happiness.

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